TV: Doctor Who's Christmas picks

http://cuttingsarchive.org/images/1/11/2005-12-21_Time_Out_p6-7.jpg

Publication: Time Out London
Date: 2005-12-21
Author:
Page: Time In, p. 6
Language: English

JACKIE TYLER: I'm Rose Tyler's mother. With my daughter lost in the outer realms of space and time, I face a sad and lonely Christmas. Never fear, I shall console myself, perhaps, with 'Annida' (Christmas Day, 6.35pm, C4), an opera presenting the conflict between love and duty based on classical sources. Then, I think, '4 Dance: Dance 4 Film' (Thursday 29, 11.35pm, C4), including new work by masters of the dislocated body. Rounded off by 'Winged Migration' (Tuesday 27, 8.30pm, BBC4), a documentary following migrating birds as they make their lengthy seasonal journeys. Then again, I" might just get pissed on Bailey's and see if Roger from the bookie's fancies a bit of stuffing. It's a laugh, innit?

ROSE: Now come on, Doctor, you've got to do as humans do. Stop all that running about with a sonic screwdriver — you're treating that thing like a toy, now available in all large retailers for the bargain price of £9.99. It's Christmas time! Sit down, feet up, After Eights, glass of Advocaat, couple of satsumas, argue with your mother, and watch the big film on telly. Look, brilliant, there's James Bond, 'Tomorrow Never Dies' (Christmas Eve, 2.50pm, ITV1).

THE DOCTOR: But I don't understand. That's not James Bond. He's got a different face. D'you mean to say that they replaced the lead actor with another man? He's exactly the same character with a different face? And they've done it before? They've done it lots of times? Actor after actor after actor, all playing the same lead character? Since the 1960s? A hero who fights evil and saves the world with a completely different face every few years?? Well I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. I won't be watching. It's like science fiction. Bah.

CAPTAIN JACK: Now this is my sort of stuff. CSI: Miami (Tuesday 27, 9pm, Five) and 'CSI: NY' (Tuesday 27, 10pm, Five). I could run that sort of operation! That would be so cool! Maybe not in America, they're kinda crowded out with that stuff. Tell you what, I could do CSI:Cardiff. We could use the latest forensic techniques to analyse the trajectory of projectile vomit in the city centre on a Saturday night. The precise scientific density of a kebab! The spray-pattern of spittle ejected when saying 'Llanelli'. Oh, it's gonna work, South Wales, here I come! Cymru am byth!

THE DOCTOR: Fascinating. Rose, look at this. I seem to have discovered an alternative universe. An alien world where strange, soft, shapeless creatures barely capable of movement sit and ramble on endlessly about all sorts of inane subjects, as though they're great authorities, when in reality they're tiny little creatures, lost in an uncaring universe.

ROSE: No, Doctor. That's 'Christmas Creature Comforts' (Christmas Day, 5.30pm, ITV1). Oh no, wait, hold on, sorry, no it's not. That's my mother. I told you not to give her a drink.

CYBERMEN: The Cybermen will convert the human race. You will becoMe like is. We will replace your bodies with cybernetic implants and remove all emotions from your living brains. You will feel no fear, you will feel no pain, you will feel no joy. You will become unfeeling, identical, monotonous drones. We will start the conversion process with the 'Top Of The Pops Christmas Special' (Christmas Day, 2pm, BBC1), starting with the female humanoid known as Fearne Cotton. Oh, too late.

THE DOCTOR: Fascinating. Now, look at this, Rose! Dark deeds are afoot. At first glance, this might appear to be a typical English village. Calm, peaceful, serene. But beneath the surface, terrible forces are at work. These ordinary humans are steeped in blood. Every week, behind the chintz curtains, barbaric murders are committed, exposing the worst follies of mankind. Envy, lust, revenge, all wreaking havoc in a beautiful rural setting. And it never stops! As each murderer is caught, another springs up! Like some sort of vicious time loop! Death after death after death, M a never-ending cycle of violence that reduces humankind to the level of beasts. And they're so addicted to this wretched life, they can't even spell the name of their village right! It must be stopped!

ROSE: Um. No, Doctor. That's 'Midsomer Murders' (Friday 30, 8.30pm, ITV1).

THE DOCTOR: But all the same — it must be stopped!

ROSE: No arguments from me.

K9: Christmas is affirmative! I will be opening my visual circuits in order to scan 'The Simpsons' (Christmas Day, 3.10pm, C4), 'Toy Story 2' (Christmas Day, 4.30pm, BBC1), 'Sherlock Holmes And The Hound Of The Baskervilles' (Christmas Eve, 2.05pm, BBC2), 'Blue Peter' (Friday 30, 10.10am, BBC1), 'Wallace And Gromit: A Close Shave' (Boxing Day, 10.10am, BBC1), 'Snow Dogs' (Wednesday 28, 1.55pm, BBC1), 'Paws' (Friday 30, 12.05pm, C4) and 'Benji The Hunted' (Christmas Eve, 12.30pm, C4). Anything with a funny dog, basically. But not 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch' (Boxing Day, 9.25am, ITV1). That animatronic cat is fooling nobody. Affirmative!

ROSE: Doctor! Something's gone wrong! The Tardis must have jumped time-tracks or something, and landed in the wrong year. This isn't 2005 — just look at the television schedules! 'Robin's Nest'! 'George And Mildred" 'The 'The Morecambe And Wise Christmas Show'! 'Tommy Cooper's Christmas'! We must have landed in 1975 by mistake!

THE DOCTOR: No, Rose. That's just Five's schedule for Boxing Day (8pm-11.15). How sad, to rely on programmes from the ancient past. Just when television should be thrusting forward into an exciting new millennium, finding new and original formats, they choose instead to look backwards, to decades long since gone, in an attempt to revive old shows and induce nothing more than nostalgia. Won't catch me doing that, oh no.

THE MIGHTY JAGRAFESS: Gwraaawwrr gahh gr000barrrrgh 'Under The Greenwood Tree' (Boxing Day, 9pm, ITV1) grawrrrrr gah00000 yargle goaaaarrr 'The Booze Cruise 2' (Christmas Day, 9pm, ITV1) gargle m000rahhhh faaa gr0000 barroom geeeeaaaa 'Bedknobs And Broomsticks' (Tuesday 27, 2.50pm, BBC1) gah gah r000aaaarrr 'The Magic Of Jesus' (Friday 30, 9pm, C4). Burp.

THE DOCTOR: Oh no. My worst fears have come true. Look, Rose! But be careful, it's drawing me in! It seems to be some sort of unearthly experiment, which incarcerates 22 people in an inhumane game of chance involving sums of money ranging from 1p to £250,000. Watch as the poor lost souls try to impose systems of logic and cunning on a random universe, helplessly trying to maintain their faith in the face of blind, arbitrary events, desperately believing that they can advance themselves and escape this trap, while a cruel, invisible, inaudible God known as the Banker mocks their frail human vanities and ambitions. And, all the while, millions look on, hopelessly lost in their addiction. But worse! Look at the ringmaster! This cruel amphitheatre is being controlled by a trim, villainous, sardonic man with a pointy beard. Can it be? Has my old enemy, the Master, the most evil Time Lord in creation, risen from the grave to lead the human race into depravity?

ROSE: No, Doctor. That's Noel Edmondson 'Deal Or No Deal' (Boxing Day, 5.10pm, C4).

THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, so it is. Mind you — isn't this the best game show in the whole universe?!

ROSE: Yes, Doctor. Yes, it is. Box number 19 looks lucky to me! [fiddles with remote] But wait, what's this? That's us on TV — brilliant! ('Dr Who', Christmas Day, 7pm, BBC1).

TV: Doctor Who's Christmas picks

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