John Lavalie at 00:16, 20 July 2018

2018-07-20T00:16:17Z

John Lavalie at 00:01, 19 July 2018

2018-07-19T00:01:58Z

John Lavalie: Created page with "{{article | publication = The Guardian | file = 2017-04-18 Guardian G2.jpg | px = 250 | height = | width = | date = 2017-04-18 | author = | pages = G2, p. 3 | language = E..."

2018-07-18T00:25:21Z

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Kris Marshall

Age: 43.

Appearance: Eerily familiar.

Yes, his face rings a bell. Who is he? He's an actor. Been in anything I might have seen? Do you remember My Family?

Do you mean the execrable sitcom My Family? That's the one. He played Nick.

I never saw it. How do you know it was execrable?

Word got round. He also starred in a string of annoying BT adverts between 2005 and 2011.

I have no memory of those. He was in Love Actually. And until recently he starred in the crime series Death in Paradise.

They both passed me by, but I've only heard bad things. He's an actor - take my word for it.

Fine. Has this Marshall got any new projects lined up? He's reported to be the new Doctor Who.

I see ... wait, what? According to inside sources, Marshall has been selected to replace Peter Capaldi as the Doctor.

Peter Capaldi? What happened to David Tennant? Do you even own a television?

I mostly watch documentaries about canals. Why are we talking about this now? Doesn't the Doctor traditionally regenerate at Christmas? Apparently it will happen sooner, making Marshall the 13th incarnation of the Time Lord.

A white man playing the Doctor - well, I never. Richard Ayoade, David Harewood and Miranda Hart were rumoured to be in the frame at different times, but the programme makers seem to have taken the safe route.

What's safe about an actor who has only ever been in terrible shows? They've also risked the wrath of Doctor Who fans who, by and large, aren't happy.

Are they ever happy? No. They didn't like the choice of Capaldi, or Matt Smith before him.

How do we know the rumour is true? Has the BBC confirmed? A spokesman said, "No casting decisions have yet been made on series

So it's all rubbish. Possibly, although the current series is only the loth, so the decision may already have been taken.

There's still hope! Maybe it's Olivia Colman! Unlikely. Ladbrokes have stopped taking bets on Marshall, with so many punters backing him.

Do say: "Welcome aboard, Kris! Yes, it is actually even smaller inside than it looks from the outside?'

Don't say: "I loved you in that awful thing I never watched?'
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Pass notes No 3,841 - Revision history

John Lavalie at 00:16, 20 July 2018

John Lavalie at 00:01, 19 July 2018

John Lavalie: Created page with "{{article | publication = The Guardian | file = 2017-04-18 Guardian G2.jpg | px = 250 | height = | width = | date = 2017-04-18 | author = | pages = G2, p. 3 | language = E..."