View source for I never expected the Tardis to show up while Sherlock was in mid-fall

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| publication = London Evening Standard
| file = 2013-09-09 London Evening Standard.jpg
| px = 550
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| date = 2013-09-09
| author = Rosamund Urwin
| pages = 37
| language = English 
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TRENDS

Sherlock-lovers have taken fanfic to a new level with 'reviews' of the new series before anyone has seen it. It's Cumberfiction, says Rosamund Urwin

SHERLOCK fanatics love their fan-fiction. There are the romantic fantasies: Sherlock with Molly (portmanteau name: "Sherlolly"), Sherlock with John Watson ("JohnLock") and Molly with Moriarty ("Molliarty"). And then, there are the sexual ones: Sherlock with Molly, Sherlock with John Watson — oh, you get the gist. Many of the latter are so filthy that they make Fifty Shades of Grey look like the Usborne Guide to the Birds and the Bees.

But there's a new fanfic genre now, one that has emerged by accident. Want to know what's going to happen in series three, which is rumoured to be airing on BBC1 at the start of next year? Well, I can tell you — if you believe the fans, at least.

On Amazon, shoppers can already pre-order the complete third season on DVD — even though the episodes haven't been screened yet and all that has been keeping Sherlock obsessives sane is a few snippets in a BBC teaser trailer. The site is also allowing customer reviews, so fans have piled in to give their fictitious accounts. So, er, fake spoiler alert!

In case anyone has forgotten, the end of series two saw our favourite otter-faced detective falling to his fake death in his swishy coat. So fans have been using a little induction of their own to determine how he survived.

Helen W from Oxfordshire considered it a "masterstroke" that Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss used that scene to combine two of television's most popular shows. "I never expected the Tardis to show up while Sherlock was in mid-fall, allowing him to be saved from certain death, then returned just before the point of impact [and] lowered gently to the ground to play dead for Watson."

According to another reviewer, Serena, Sherlock survived by morphing into a dragon called Smaug — the special effects are "phenomenal", apparently. But Jennifer Campbell was upset at the twist she has envisaged: "I was disappointed to find that after his spectacular fall at the climax of series two, Sherlock stays dead throughout this new series."

There will be other surprises along the way too. Apparently, Moriarty has surgery to have the poisonous teeth of a black mamba inserted, Brian Blessed has been cast to play John Watson's moustache and Mrs Hudson will cook the man from the sandwich shop — a scene which is said to warrant an 18-rating.

Another reviewer agreed with that judgment — but for rather different reasons: "This should at least be an 18," writes someone passing themselves off as David Tennant. "Mofftiss made Johnlock a reality, and almost every scene involved rampant gay sex. I loved it, but I'm not sure it's suitable for the little ones."

It doesn't take much to make fans dream of a Sherlock-Watson love-fest, in fact. "I am so relieved that in this series Watson at last reveals his deep and powerful love for Sherlock in a moving and dramatic scene which ends with a tear jerking proposal of marriage," writes Rebecca H. "The lady fans will be so disappointed at the loss of their dark, brooding hero but having Moriarty officiate as the vicar will surely make up for any loss. I was a little disappointed that the actual detective work seemed to take second place to organising the wedding cake and writing the invitations, but then I suppose the path of true love never runs smooth.' But one person was disappointed that the writers had given into fantasising fans by having the pair do the Horizontal Tango. "They broke the cardinal rule for a series with sexual tension between the leads: don't ever let them get together!" complains Patrise Henkel from Washington. "Doesn't anyone remember Moonlighting or The X Files?"

Added extras are said to include 16 uncut minutes of Benedict Cumberbatch stroking a hobbit's feet seductively, but disappointingly not the full-frontal nudity that many fans would appreciate.

Of course, if anyone really had access to these episodes, it'd be worth far more money than we ever see Sherlock make from his cases. As reviewer Mikey T notes: "I'm not giving anything away. You want the boxset? Bidding starts at a million pounds."

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