Doctor Who Cuttings Archive

GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor

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Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool‘s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Imagine the atmosphere of monotony hanging heavily over a boring class you have in King Hall. You are just about to drift to sleep on top of your blank notebook when suddenly you hear the greatest sound in the universe:

Vworp … vworp … VWORP.

It is the blessed sound of the TARDIS. However, everyone else around you keeps saying that it is only the ventilation system.

But now there is evidence that the noise is indeed the famous blue time traveling machine as seen in the BBC series Doctor Who.

“I always thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me after all-nighters,” said senior Adrienne Mattson-Perdue. “Now that other people have heard it too, I know it’s real and I’m excited about it!”

Doctor Who fans, or “Whovians,” all across campus are buzzing with excitement and questions. Who really is this 1000-plus year old Time Lord? Why would he be on campus? How have we not seen him yet?

Clearly, the Doctor has regenerated into a new form. He could be anyone on campus. The Doctor is notorious for blending in or going completely undercover, particularly at educational institutions.

His regenerations have progressively made him look younger. Therefore, it is possible he is either disguising himself as a student or younger staff member or instructor.

Most of the administration at Guilford has kept quiet about these recent inquiries and theories. A usually eager interviewee Aaron Fetrow was asked about the Doctor, only to reply with an alarmed face, “Doctor who?” before rushing back into his office.

President Kent Chabotar seemed to be the only official willing to speak with any sort of frankness with The Guilfordian.

“You can call me a coward, just don’t call me a liar,” he said. “All I can safely say is that if the Doctor is here, then there is certain danger ahead of us.”

There have been subtle signs of this impending danger emerging around campus. In Binford, students have been complaining about mysterious cracks in the walls. Credible, though anonymous, members of the biology department have detected unidentified life forms in the lake. Music majors have been whispering about a drum-like beat consisting of four equal beats echoing throughout Dana Auditorium.

“I can’t focus on any of my other music assignments when I hear it,” said junior music major Taylor Seitz, not realizing that he was drumming that very same rhythm against his lap as he was being interviewed.

“If anything, I think the WiFi being faulty is a sign of trouble,” said sophomore Patrick Withrow. “Daleks or Cybermen have been know to use that sort of stuff to take over the universe.”

With this impending danger becoming clearer, the search for the Doctor has become crucial. It appears the administration has set its search for the mysterious Time Lord on British students, particularly those with innocuous pocket watches in the case that the Doctor is hiding away as a human for some reason.

No leads or names have been revealed due to a fear of fans within the campus community.

Despite any fears of potential danger, many students still welcome the idea of the Doctor being at Guilford.

“I’m definitely keeping my headphones off for this,” says sophomore Cameron McDowell. “Who knows when I’ll run into the guy?”

Whovians are advised to keep a travel bag handy in the case that you hear the sound of a landing TARDIS and to prepare themselves.

You never know. You may be chosen to begin the journey of a lifetime.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool‘s edition.

Disclaimer: These citations are created on-the-fly using primitive parsing techniques. You should double-check all citations. Send feedback to

  • APA 6th ed.: Smith, Shel (2013-03-29). GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor. The Guilfordian .
  • MLA 7th ed.: Smith, Shel. "GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor." The Guilfordian [add city] 2013-03-29. Print.
  • Chicago 15th ed.: Smith, Shel. "GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor." The Guilfordian, edition, sec., 2013-03-29
  • Turabian: Smith, Shel. "GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor." The Guilfordian, 2013-03-29, section, edition.
  • Wikipedia (this article): <ref>{{cite news| title=GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor | url=!_You_need_a_doctor | work=The Guilfordian | pages= | date=2013-03-29 | via=Doctor Who Cuttings Archive | accessdate=14 July 2024 }}</ref>
  • Wikipedia (this page): <ref>{{cite web | title=GOOFORDIAN: Vworp…vworp…VWORP! You need a doctor | url=!_You_need_a_doctor | work=Doctor Who Cuttings Archive | accessdate=14 July 2024}}</ref>