Look Who's Back (Gay Times)

Publication: Gay Times
Date: no. 379 (Apr. 2010)
Author: Darren Scott
Page: 36
Language: English

Doctor Who returns with a new team and a new look this Easter. Darren Scott eagerly stepped on board the TARDIS for some exclusive adventures with the Doctor and Amy. Geronimo!

Rattling around the TARDIS with the new Doctor Who companion is, it turns out, really rather fun. Far from having to stand politely and admire the new set from afar she's all about pulling the levers and twirling the dials.

What's that? New set? Oh yes. New TARDIS, new companion. new Doctor. It's all change aboard the good ship Who as the BBC's biggest drama returns with Matt Smith as the new Doctor and Karen Gillen as Amy Pond. Walking into the new TARDIS is a moment of jaw dropping, eye-popping awe as you struggle to take everything in. and it's exciting and amazing and makes you slightly want to scream.

"Matt just breaks it every time," Karen shrugs.

It's been almost a year of going behind the scenes (I inadvertently took the first picture of the pair together as we chatted prior to their initial read-through in July - see right). In that time GT's Doctor Who journey has travelled via trailers, bedrooms. underground lairs, time machines and Shoreditch pubs. We've come face-to-face with monsters, orange gunge and confidentiality agreements aplenty and, bluntly. my nine-year-old self is wishing they'd take me with them. Sod it, my 29-year-old self is too.

Matt Smith is the 11th actor to play the Time Lord, he replaced David Tennant on New Year's Day. We had our first chat in October bear with me, it's all wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff - when he has a day of talking to the dreaded press for the first time.

He's wearing a very stylish leather jacket. He plays with his hands as he's talking. his boyish cute looks slightly off-putting this close up. And trust me, I'm as close as I can get without scaring the bloke.

He's gangly, and looks at you intently when speaking - a result of wearing glasses. A little bit of hair peeps out the top of his shirt. What? Come on - like there's not a hefty amount of men AND women hoping for a quick topless scene in the new series... (You're not going to be disappointed - keep an eye out towards the end of the run)

He's ever so polite and quite softly spoken. "I like your hat," he says, noting my neon pink beanie.

Doctor Who likes my hat! Amazing.

Four months later, I'm standing behind monitors at a large studio in Cardiff, where the show is filmed. I notice a box marked - in big letters - SONICS. I can't resist. There are three redesigned sonic screwdrivers. with an end that opens and lights up green. Except I can't get the opening bit to close again and I quickly put it back.

Suddenly my attention is elsewhere. A previously dark set has now been lit and a familiar blue box stands tall. The new prop feels taller. bigger better. It's a different shade of blue and looks like the one from the 60s Dalek movies.

Matt pops over during a break in filming. "I've met you before - you had a nice hat."

Oh god he remembers me.

"You've got a new look, quite dashing," he says, shaking my hand and I probably hold it too long. He bounds away like an excited puppy as he's called for filming with Karen. They both jump inside the police box, closing the door behind them. It wobbles slightly and there's a shriek of laughter from Karen.

When they're done, we set to talking about his time on the show. Matt has an look of absolute giddy glee at the mention of the Daleks. The type of look where you want to let out a small squeal of excitement yourself before you realise you're (supposed to be) a professional and there are other people around. Ahem. Butch throat clearing and nodding.

At this stage the end of the shoot is just three weeks away.

"It's been over eight months so it's tough and it's hard work. But it's brilliant. It's thrilling and it's been a wonderful process of evolution to me, hopefully one I've grown into and got better at. It's been one of the great acting experiences of my life really." I ask him to recount his most exciting moment of the experience, spoilers permitting.

"Ooh, well, you know, cover of Gay Times, highlight number one."

Oh you CHARMER.

He howls with laughter. "And then a close second, oh God literally there are so many. I mean, the TARDIS is always a joy isn't it? Rocking round on that all day. What's gorgeous about it is I get to sort of confess to my imagination every day. And also, because Doctor Who is such an imaginative and elaborate mad show it's very vivid. So I get to play around in a mad imaginary world EVERY DAY which is limitless and timeless and endless and boundless. You know, that is as close as you get to sort of magic really, I suppose, in many ways. And to be at the heart is a thrill, actually, as much as anything. And me and Karen get on famously well so that's good. We make each other laugh... She's a JOY, Kaz. She's mad as a box of cats but she's brilliant."

He gets quite animated when asked how he feels being a GT cover star. "I'm thrilled man! I've got a lot of gay friends actually so... I hope they read it. I feel privileged. It's cool man, it's a cool cover to get. Obviously I know that most of my gay friends have rather impeccable taste, so hopefully it's a nice picture!"

His voice gets a little higher when asked if they'll be surprised to see him staring out at them from a gay mag. "I don't know! Maybe they'll think they've turned me..."

I mention that exec producer Piers (see page 43) says that Karen's dragged them all to gay bars and that Karen specifically recalls a time she and Piers danced "very intensely" to Girls Aloud's The Promise...

Matt laughs. "There's only been the one gay bar with Piers and Kaz," he recalls and laughs again when I say "only one that he knows of". "I went with Piers and a friend of mine. And Karen was dancing, I seem to remember..." Why didn't he join in?

Is he not much of a dancer? "I like to fancy myself

as a dancer but I don't think I'm very good. My sister's a professional dancer actually. She got the groovy feet, you know..."

That's not strictly true. I happen to know he's quite good with his feet. And his balls. Footballs, obviously.

"That was all I wanted to be," he says of his football days, "but I got injured when my back went. It was all I had in my mind. But I had this teacher, who was great, and was convinced that I should be an actor, so he cast me in a play and I didn't turn up — so he cast me again and said 'Please!' but I just thought drama was a bit girly. He then signed me up for something called The National Youth Theatre, he sat me down and filled in the forms and that was the turning point for me, when I thought I could act." So from footballer to gay pin-up... He laughs hard.

"Am I a gay pin-up though?" I inform him he is now. "Well, I'm sure there are a lot of footballers that are gay pin-ups aren't there? Or maybe not. Who knows? Well it's COOL! I kinda like it."

There's a bit of football in the new series too... Suddenly he's really excited. "I love playing football. Well, I don't get to play it so much anymore. I'm quite excited that we get to play it in episode 11. It's cool and of course the Doctor's really good. Well, let's hope so... We'll wait and see." Regardless of his dribbling abilities, those pap shots of him in shorts worked just fine thanks.

And while we're on the subject of shorts, Piers confirmed that Steven did indeed describe Matt as "Patrick Moore in the body of an underwear model".

Matt howls with laughter. "I know, yeah! Goddamn him, yeah he did say that didn't he... The thing is, right — I'll take Patrick Moore, fine.

"But I definitely haven't got an underwear model's body, no way, not on this schedule. All my gym's gone out the window. Although I do manage to go for a swim. But I certainly wouldn't describe me as underwear modelly. God no, I take that bit as a gross over-compliment to be honest." His voice suddenly gets very high. "And also! When the hell has Steven Moffat seen me in my pants alone?" You tell me!

"Well exactly."

Tying into that seamlessly, I hear he's dismayed that there's no American Apparel in Cardiff, given that that's the brand he favours...

"Oh god, that's all I wear. I've got literally a rainbow of American Apparel underwear."

So if I put that in...

"I'll get all my free underwear from Apparel? I doubt it but well, you never know... I do like brightly coloured socks — and stripy socks. I guess I've always been quite an elaborate dresser I suppose," he goes on to explain he had a hand in shaping the Doctor's new outfit, adding the bow tie and braces himself. "American Apparel does nice big bold colours doesn't it?" he beams.

Well seeing as we're sharing, there's something I need to tell him.

I think I broke one of his sonic screwdrivers.

"Oh Darren! It was you! I can't believe it! They're cool though aren't they? They're cool sonics."

How can you NOT play with that? I ask.

"It's bigger!" he shouts. "Size doesn't matter but it's bigger. Now now! Now now Matt!"

Geronimo indeed.

Doctor Who is on BBC One, Saturdays. Bbc.co.uk/doctorwho.

Caption: Who knew? Two Daleks once had a sly gossip in a sewer about their boss. Daleks are not homophobic. They hate everyone.

Caption: Who knew? The TARDIS is stuck looking like a 1950's police box because it's chameleon circuit broke after a visit to London in 1963.

He's written some of the scariest episodes of the show ever and now he's in charge it's executive producer, head writer and life-long fan of Doctor Who, Steven Moffat

Obviously you know that I'm from Gay Times so I'm going to have to start with the fact that you're the fir...

First straight producer since 1979, yes. Yay! (laughs)

You've already been asked about that.

Well I already KNEW it. I know all the Doctor Who fan facts. I was thinking "first straight man here". What I loved best about that was when there was quite a lot of press about Amy's short skirts and they're all saying "that's Steven Moffat..." It's not! It's the bloody gays! It's got nothing to do with me! Like I spend an awful lot of time in the costume truck. Like it's actually me when she turns up in a cold Welsh graveyard in hotpants! I'm straight on the phone saying "we've got to put in dialogue about that — nobody does that!" so we put a running joke about her hotpants in. No. It's not me! If I want to see girls' legs I don't need to executive produce Doctor Who to do it.

Really?

I go on the internet! They're there! All the sites you haven't visited.

Russell has said that you're camper than him.

Has he? Oh good! Well I think I came up with the gayer jokes. I'm not saying it was a straight forward competition but I think I won the award for the Master having a wife as his beard. In Time Crash the fifth Doctor asked the 10th Doctor "does he still have that rubbish beard" and he says "no beard, well, a wife". Russell did say "I think you've got it now. you've got the crown".

Was that the moment where Russell knew the show was in safe hands?

[Laughs] We were far along the path of me taking over by then anyway. Possibly. Possibly it would be. But I think the sexuality I share in common with Russell is that we're Doctor Who fans! I think that's 90% of our brains.

Another sexuality to add to that list.

It really is. People who never get to have sex with anyone, Doctor Who fans.

You're not wrong. Sob. Anyway back to the skirt. How many police women have you seen looking that hot? In my fantasy life or my personal life?

Either! I was sitting with Mark Gatiss when we were doing his episode and I was talking quite seriously to him and he was sitting there nodding away and then he looked at me blankly, clearly hadn't been listening to a word I'd said and he said: "I'm terribly sorry I was staring at Karen's legs." He was sitting right behind me. I think if Karen's legs have claimed Mark Gatiss then we're unleashing a terrible time-bomb upon your readership quite frankly!

I know I won't get any spoilers, but let's go right to the series finale. How do you write that big — I was going to say climax but we're heading back into dodgy territory

[Laughs hard]

I need to get a hold of myself.

There you go again! It's Innuendo Times!

And then my bra flies off with a special noise.

And tassles.

How do you write that huge?

I think we've got something big don't you Luke [speaking to Luke the PR man who agrees] Just shading into the area of big enough? I think it's big enough. Oh yes. How do you do it? Oh, by having the best fun ever, come on! Let's see what happens if you press all the buttons at once, it's that kind of feeling. I suppose the question I get asked most is "how can you end the universe again?" Because it's Doctor Who. No, we've got a big finale. We've got a big ending. We've got a big finish, trust me. Tell your gays they're in safe hands with me.

River Song might have "died" in an earlier story, but now she's back to meet the Doctor for the very first time. Eh? It's wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff for Kingston as she takes on the Weeping Angels in episodes four and five...

River must be fun to play seeing as you've come back?

I think she's feisty and is a nice meaty role in fun television. I've decided that she's like a female Indiana Jones. She's a time-travelling archaeologist and you don't get to play those roles often at my age so it's very nice. I also did wire work, and was flying through the air! It's great!

What was that like?

I was the best at that! I was the most rock solid horizontal. I said that Matt and Karen needed to get to the gym. They couldn't do it, I was so chuffed that I could!

What does River think of this incarnation of the Doctor?

I think she likes him. I certainly do, we have a lot of fun! The characters have great fun, are flirty, argumentative, really. A great relationship, I think, is going to happen between the two of them.

Do you know already if you're coming back?

Well she has a little blue book, her diary, and in there are all the images of all the Doctors and their adventures. In the library episode [series four] she asked him what they'd done and he didn't know what she was talking about. Now in these episodes, I will say, is the opening of the story!

What would you say the main difference is between Matt's Doctor and David's Doctor?

I found David was very straight down the line and Matt is quite sexy! He's very "mad professor-like! He's got a laddish thing about him. You'd think he was quite public school but he's not — he's got bandy legs! He's lovely and a really fantastic actor who allows himself to be vulnerable in a way I've never seen before. He's going to be very good I think.

Anything people really shouldn't miss in the new series?

The Doctor, Amy and River in a forest, stuck there with the Angels peeping behind trees. It's terrifying. I think these Angels are much more terrifying, if I was a child I think I'd be really scared watching.

Ray Holman is an award-winning costume designer who's worked on loads of fabulous projects. He's in charge of all the costumes for this series, and is the man behind the 11th Doctor's look...

Jacket Originally we found a vintage Harris Tweed jacket, which is slightly short in the sleeves, very slim fitting, it has elbow patches and leather buttons. The thing that we think that does for Matt Smith is it gives him authority. So he looks like a professor but it still looks like he's learning, still looks like a student.

Bow tie What I didn't want with the bow tie was for it to be some kind of exaggerated thing that you would always see in a close-up. So we chose dark, plain, slim, very, very thin bow ties.

Braces We've got the skinny braces. Actually I found them in a little old man's shop in Cardiff, but you can buy them in Top Man.

Boots His boots are specially made. They're a copy — not an exact copy, but kind of a copy — of a pair of boots that you will find on the high street at All Saints. Matt Smith had a pair so really liked them. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain the boots throughout more than one series so decided to get them made by a specialist shoe-maker.

Underwear The underwear is from American Apparel. He's a briefs man.

Trousers There are two different pairs of trousers. One pair are a jeans cut and are very, very small dark grey and black Houndstooth check. They're a skinny cut jeans trouser but they're cotton, and he rolls them up to the top of his boots.

The second pair are a bit more structured. They've got turn-ups built in, but they are short and they only hit him at the top of the boots. He's a 34 waist. He's an ex-footballer. So he's 6ft tall, 34 waist and he's got, you know, footballer's legs. Even though he looks skinny.

Shirt His shirts are a kind of a unique design. They're not plain, they have a little squiggly pattern on them. They're very, very fine and they have soft collars. They're Paul Smith.

He's head of drama at BBC Wales and executive producer of some show about a time traveller. So obviously we get Piers Wenger to talk about Sarah Jane's skincare range and getting career advice from Victoria Wood.

How are things in Doctor Who land Piers?

I think it's bloody exciting. We as producers, Beth Willis and I, looked to the movies that people seem to enjoy that have some kinship with Doctor Who in terms of genre. We wont make any bones about the fact that we loved some of the later Harry Potter films and we were really inspired by how the look and feel of those films has evolved from being quite Disneyfied and mainstream early on to feeling really exciting and cinematic and visually strong and more complex in the later movies. It's still ABSOLUTELY Doctor Who, he's still the man who travels in the TARDIS and makes jokes as he saves the universe. I just hope that we've brought a new atmosphere.

Were you a fan of the original show?

I was a huge fan and did the time-honoured behind the sofa thing. I was most engaged by it during the Tom Baker/Peter Davison years. As I got older it got slightly usurped by pop music and boys. But maybe that also coincides with it maybe not being as powerful as it had been.

Thanks for casting Matt Smith. He's very attractive.

He's very handsome. He's very handsome indeed. It kind of makes the job of going to work at six o'clock in the morning every day just that little bit more palatable! But he's also astonishingly good fun and unjaded and intelligent. I've just had some of the best nights out in my life with him. This sounds like gushing nonsense! He is just like an adorable younger brother who you want to absolutely protect but also feel unnaturally proud of as well. He's just multi-talented.

These nights out — have you dragged Matt to Cardiff's gay bars yet?

On occasions, yes. There have been the odd occasion when we've been shooting on a Cardiff on a Saturday night. But also in London as well. We've had some very funny nights out. Karen really, really is fun on a night out. She is definitely the one leading the charge to Cardiff's gay clubs if anybody is... She does love to dance.

Any thoughts on why the show is so beloved of "the gays"?

God I've had this conversation so many times! I tease Steven Moffat endlessly that all his friends are mainly gay Doctor Who lovers and yet he's this wonderfully happy married father of two, but still the biggest Doctor Who fan that there could possibly be. For me I just love the Doctor's kind of rebellious streak, completely on his own terms. That's what resonates with me that he's not a conventional action hero and he doesn't approach the fight with a traditional stereotypical heterosexual male gung-ho macho approach. He does it all with brains and style and brilliance and that is probably what a lot of gay men respond to, it's certainly what I respond to.

I presume you must be starting work on The Sarah Jane Adventures soon?

We're actually making 18 episodes this year. There's going to be a couple of very, very special things happening next series which I can't really talk about. But I think that they're going to excite Doctor Who fans of the last five years and fans of the current series hugely... Meeting Elisabeth Sladen was a very, very special experience. She should have her own skincare range. She looks so youthful. It's all slightly depressing for the rest of us whose skin seems to be ageing at a much faster rate. Despite being slightly younger.

I heard you got sent a box of balloons from Victoria Wood.

Yes I did! She sent those to me on my birthday.

That might be the gayest thing ever.

Oh I think I've done much gayer things than that... Victoria and I worked together. She is an extremely special person. Doctor Who has been an extremely testing and nerve-wracking experience at times and I'd say, more than anyone, she's been the person who has been most understanding of the stresses and strains of it. She's just incredibly caring and funny really. I'm just dying to work with her again. We do actually have some plans. Something this year that we're hoping to make in the summer.

Doctor Who?

Oh I'd love her to be in Doctor Who, I'm not going to pretend we haven't tried. It's just the case of finding the right thing to tempt her.

Mark Gatiss and Gareth Roberts have written all manner of brilliant things between them - Google it, we don't have all of time and space - but what you need to know right now is that after previous huge successes on Doctor Who they're both back for the new series...

What can you tell us about your stories? Mark Gatiss: My story is episode three, it's called Victory of the Daleks. It's about Churchill. the Cabinet war rooms and the Second World War. And the Daleks.

Gareth Roberts: That's about as much as you can say! Mine is episode 11. It's an unusual episode. It hasn't got a title yet. It's a peculiar episode in some regards. The story's about the Doctor having to go undercover as an ordinary human being for a few days and become a young guy's flatmate. The costume designer mentioned that Matt was going to be in football shorts - is that your episode? GR: Yeah, that's me. He's in football shorts. The guest cast will be in football shorts as well. It gets worse than that I'm afraid, there's even more revelation of flesh.

MG: Outrageous. But he was a footballer in real life wasn't he?

GR: He was a footballer. But when I wrote the story originally there was a football scene in it. I didn't put that in because of Matt.

So when you say there's more flesh...

GR: He has a wardrobe malfunction...

MG: He wears spots with stripes! Any returning monsters?

GR: In my episode? No. it's all new. It's about something very sinister upstairs. Mark, how was writing for the Daleks?

MG: It was, initially, much more intimidating than I ever thought because obviously it's not the sort of thing you ever imagine will happen and when it does you go "Jesus". For me I think the thing I wanted to do straight away - the thing you always do - is to have them the way you have them in your head. My favourite version of the Daleks are the ones in Power of the Daleks - which obviously I've never seen because it doesn't exist - but the idea of them as very sly and manipulative. I think it's so exciting. It was just a joy. obviously. There's all kinds of revelations - whoop. And resurrections and remembrances. It reiterates old Dalek lore but adds new things to it.

GR: Still not enough mining though in my opinion. They haven't done any mining for a very long time and I insist - if I ever got to write a Dalek episode they'd be mining away.

MG: Burrow of the Daleks. Actually. before I forget - I've just played Malcolm McLaren in the Boy George biopic and the only thing that worries me about the whole project is it's called Worried About The Boy. Not "mad", worried. I said to someone it's such a passive word. It's like Concern of the Cybermen. It's not quite strong enough.

GR: Bother of the Daleks. They're a bit of a bother.

Being from a gay mag - and you both being gay - I'm going to ask an obligatory question about putting gay characters in your scripts. Is it something you always think about doing? GR: Not particularly. I think there is one in my episode, just because it was funny. They don't say much. But I don't go in thinking "I'm fighting for gay rights". MG: That's something that Russell did really well. Without it being a sort of game plan, just to make lots of incidental characters throughout his time gay. That to me is true victory - [mock alien voice] Doctor! To not make a fuss about it.

GR: I think drums are better beaten outside drama to be honest. I think it always just seems to me like some one's just kind of popped up and is shouting at you.

Gareth. will the original script you wrote for this series be made next year? GR: Possibly, yes. I don't know. All options are open.

MG: It was shunted because it was so filthy!

GR: There were several over-commissions. as there always are in television. It's not an unusual thing. MG: The Return of the Garm is guaranteed. Revenge of the Garm! Concern of the Garm.

And Mark, will you be back? MG: I certainly hope so.

GR He's got a lovely idea...

MG: I've got a few... Dame Rumour is always rife! Little comments like that can haunt us for the rest of our lives... "Whatever happened to that script about the Garm?"

GR: People read things very quickly and then it becomes a fact. It was established that I was the head writer for Sarah Jane. It was never said and suddenly someone on the internet said it and everyone believed it... MG: He's writing The Sunmakers 2. Put that in. Sunmakers 2: Revenge of the Garm. I'm also doing the new spin off - Dodo. She lives on a road and has three young companions...

There's someone else worth keeping an eye on in this series - Amy's boyfriend Rory. GT were the first people to interview Arthur Darvill about his role in the show, fact fans.

So what can you tell me about Rory?

He's a nurse. He works in Leadworth Hospital. Me and Amy have known each other all of our lives, we've grown up together. I've basically always been obsessed with her and would do anything for her. So she has some slightly odd behaviours which becomes apparent but Rory completely puts up with it, would just do anything to make sure that the two of them are together. He tries his hardest to understand what's going on with her and when the Doctor arrives in episode one it makes far more sense to Rory what's been troubling Amy. And in a way makes it easier for him to deal with her but then it throws up a whole load of other stuff that he has to deal with, with the Doctor being a real person.

Am I allowed to ask if he's a companion?

He definitely pops up quite a bit throughout this series and gets into a few scrapes

As an actor, how was your first experience of walking into the TARDIS?

I couldn't really walk into the TARDIS for the first time as an actor, I walked into the TARDIS as a child (laughs) It's amazing! There's so many things that happen in this programme that's so iconic, so reminicisent of watching TV when I was a kid. In a way you're just like "right I'm going to work, I've got to do this and I've got to say this" but actually I'm so excited I can't really control it. You have to take yourself away for five minutes and just breathe.

We just did that.

It's just nuts isn't it? You see certain baddies walking around. I went up to the special effects place, Millenium, and they just had a room full of Cybermen and things just lying around. I was just like "can I nick that?" It's amazing.

Have you been immortalised in plastic?

Not yet, not as far as I know but part of me's kind of hoping for it. I don't know if that's really arrogant or not! The idea of having a toy of yourself is just really bizarre. I was obsessed with my figures when I was a kid so to have one might just freak me out to be perfectly honest. Me and Matt said we're going to make our toys fight.

Why?

Just 'cos we can! You can do things that you can't do in real life like really hurt each other!

What figures were you into as a kid?

I was pretty obsessive about it all. I had all the He-Man's, I had all the Thundercats stuff but for some reason I sold the Thundercats toys at a car boot sale when we were really poor. Apparently they're making a film but it's all CG.

Who was your favourite Thundercat? Right, it's debatable. First I was really in Panthro, I thought he was really cool. I suppose I wanted to be Tygra. I don't know why. I think it's his bolo whip. I used to make whips out of string and bits of paper. I've got a picture of me dressed up as Lion-0 somewhere, I'll see if I can find it.

What's worse than coming face to face with a Dalek? Coming face to face with a Dalek with a sweetie jar full of personal questions! New Doctor Who companion Karen Gillan braves them both.

Have you ever looked under your bed for monsters?

Yes I have. I get quite freaked out in the dark when I'm on my own actually. I have to keep on opening my eyes to see if there's anything there.

At what age did you first swear?

Probably about 15 when I started trying to be cooler. I never swore - I never wanted to do it in front of my parents, even though they both swear like troopers...

Describe yourself for a personal column?

In a personal column? What I'm like? How do you word them? Like seeking people? [Thinks] Long ginger girl... [Laughs hard] Fun? I like to think I'm fun. I haven't really analysed myself.

What is the most embarrassing photo of you in existence?

When I went on a trip to Romania with my drama class. I was 16 or 17 and I got off with this Romanian guy and someone took a photo. I don't know how but it's just the most hideous thing. I'm in the strangest position ever that it looks not even human. That photo got passed around everyone in my drama class in Edinburgh and it was highly embarrassing.

Have you gone mad?

I don't think so. Do you know when you've gone mad? I've had my shouty moments in relationships but that's it really.

What's your porn name - take your first pet's name and your first street you lived in?

Fuzzy Springfieldgardens. [Laughs] That sounds terrible!

What's the most impressive number in your phone book?

Ooh. I did have Bill Nighy's number... Do you think he'll mind me saying that? He won't get annoyed at that will he? [Luke the PR man notes that he probably isn't a regular reader of GT...]

Where do things go when they disappear into the Bermuda Triangle?

Oh! I don't know. Maybe they go to another alternative, parallel universe where loads of things are existing and there's another life.

Do you think the Queen should stop wearing very bright colours?

Does the Queen wear bright colours? No. I think she should wear what she wants to wear, she is the

Queen after all. If she can't then who can? Did you see that picture of her on the Tube recently? The Queen was on the Tube? Why did the Queen get the tube?

That sounds like the start of a joke. What were you in a former life?

A bird. No I wasn't, I was an orangutan. I just feel like I've got some orangutan tendencies left over from a previous life. The hair, exactly.

Have you ever changed your own Wikipedia page?

No. It just feels a hit weird looking at it, I was like "who wrote this, and how do they know all of this..." They knew that my middle name was Sheila! That was a bit scary. I'm a bit gutted that that's out...

Can you sing a line from a Madonna song?

A lie? Oh a line! [sings] "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time." I used to want to be a singer when I was younger. My father sings a lot and I think that's how I was introduced to it. and I loved my music from a really early age and decided I was going to be a singer. That introduced me to performing arts and the acting took over.

What causes you the most frustration in life?

I have quite a lack of patience sometimes. If I want to get somewhere that frustrates me.

What's the best YouTube clip you've seen this year?

There's a clip from Wife Swap USA. it's about this family that have never eaten any non-organic food and they eat a hamburger and they all start freaking out. The kid's sick. And the dad is crying about it and it's just hilarious because it's a hamburger. (tinyurl. com/wifeswapburger)

Have you ever given a crying child a dirty look to shut them up?

[Firmly] Yeah. It's just annoying when the parents don't do anything.

Finish this sentence: "Mum. I've never told you this but...."

Oh no! Oh god no! That time you went to Spain I had a three day house party in your house and there were many people there. Sorry. Very sorry. Did she never find out?

I don't know. It was pretty messy. I hired a cleaner after I finished. She knew I went home but she didn't know about the party...

If you could punch someone and get away with it, who would it be?

[Laughs] Oh no, I'm not really the punching type. I can't answer that!

Not even a monster?

See, that's the answer. I'd punch the Daleks. It would hurt but it would feel much better.

Look Who's Back (Gay Times)

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